Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Automatic Flush Toilets

     Automatic toilets always have, and always will, scare me into needing the toilet again.

I'm probably a bit biased, being very skittish of loud noises, but I don't think I'm the only one who has screamed in a public place as a reaction to obscenely colourful and sudden noises. This isn't one of those irrational things where I refuse to sit or go near anything resembling a toilet, forcing myself to 'use the facilities' in the forest or in loud neighbor's rose gardens. This is perfectly rational. With reasons:

1. Timing
       The atrocious timing of all things automated, toilets or not, never ceases to amaze me.Toilets have a special quality to their timing.

Imagine you're just sitting, minding your own 'business', and all of a sudden you hear the screams of millions of droplets of water plummeting to their doom. This is just the beginning. The toilet's thought process is being put into action. Perhaps the toilet has a zero willpower, and feels the need to flush before you've finished. Or, maybe the toilet is just as insidious as first assumed, waiting until your time of weakness and pouncing on your amygdala sending you into a downward spiral of panic and terror.
Now, like any other downward spiral including panic and terror, you may be forced to do stupid and/or embarrassing things on instinct to save yourself from the sudden black hole of water below you. 
Some of these things may just be almost taking down the stall beside you by throwing your entire body weight in one direction.This will inevitably scar the person in the stall next to you for life, causing them to need years and years of therapy.

If you're lucky enough to have hit an unoccupied stall, but someone washing their hands heard your elephantine crash, then you have a few options to avoid embarrassment. You can always simply walk out, and pretend you cannot fathom from where that awful noise could have possibly originated from. This is somewhat like when a phone rings in class and everyone turns to look in the direction of the sound, and the guilty person turns to continue the line of accusing stares. Always a winner.

You could hide there in the stall till the end of time. But this is only good if you're at school, or in a public washroom on a school trip. If you're lucky, they'll even send out search parties!

2. Noise Level
       What, in the name of all things good, possessed the inventor of auto flush toilets to make an additional feature of the toilets to be causing anxiety attacks?
Excuse me while I bleed from the ears in a nice little bathroom stall. Oh, look toilet paper to clean up the mess after I bleed out. Convenient.

3. The Button
      As the name entails, automatic toilets should be, well, automatic. I shouldn't have to manually flush a second time after the sneak attack black-hole-waterfall-ear-bleed-out-surprise-gift from the magical land of loud toilets.

If I could write a letter to the inventor of auto flush toilets, not only would I include a link to this post, the following would also be included.

Dear Inventor of auto black hole waterfalls A.K.A. auto flush toilets,

It has come to my attention that Thomas Crapper is rolling in his grave.

Who was lazy enough to suggest that we wouldn't like to turn around and flush the toilet, avoiding bleeding out in a public bathroom?

With hate love,

The general population.